N.B. – This was published in Asian Correspondent (June 23, 11:05 a.m.) where I write a column (Philippine Fantasy).

Let’s start with a rumor. Former US Vice President Al Gore now resides in Manila! My wife jokingly said this when she asked me to read this sign at the entrance of a popular mall.

I know it’s not your usual “funny sign” but the joke is there, right? It took me a while to get it though. By the way, Al Gore wasn’t in Manila for a concert. Right now, he’s not just a former White House official but also a global environmentalist.

A photo developing center somewhere in Malate, Manila has something in common with Al Gore because it is not just…

Is it just me, or is the owner guilty of stealth advertising? Anyway, Adobe should be thankful for the (free?) advertisement.

Talking about the marketing of goods, it would help owners to refrain from using “new arrival” or “new arrivals” when promoting their new products.

Why? Arrival is defined as “the act of arriving” or “the accomplishment of an objective.” That is why you have an “arrival area” at airports for arriving passengers. Going back to our funny sign, the sign should read: “New items” or “New products” if you want to be more direct.

In order to know the minor mistake in our next sign, you should be eagle-eyed.

Yes, we want to be born free in a society that is, among others, nuclear-free and smoke-free. Or, in the case of the Philippines, Gloria-free! As you may already know from your English grammar lessons, the adjectival use of compound words usually requires the use of a hyphen.

For our next sign, there’s actually nothing grammatically wrong with it. It just sends a confusing message.

Again, if you want to be more direct, just use this phrasing: “We use purified water.” As it is, the sign above gives the impression that whoever serves the drinks always brings with him or her purified water. Remember the cardinal rule in restaurant management: Always serve with pleasure, not with water.

Unlike the previous one, our next sign is very direct in its message. The buffet is only for paying customers who do not share their food. What happens if you do?

What? You will be charged double, and in addition to that there will be left-overs thrown at you? Oh, wait. The sign should read: “We charge double if your plate has left-overs.” An alternative sign could be: “No left-overs please or you will pay double.”

You know that just like other countries in Asia, the Philippines is a rice-eating country. That would explain why we have so many kinds of rice to choose from. It’s ironic, however, that the Philippines has become a rice-importing country. Is it safe to assume that this rice comes from Japan?

Whether or not it comes from Japan, it cannot be denied that a popular fastfood chain that serves Japanese food has this sign to promote the unlimited supply of rice for customers’ chosen meals.

This is clearly an example of pun, without making “pun” of Filipinos. In case you’re not familiar with the Filipino language, “kanin” means cooked rice. The use of the hyphen is obviously aimed to highlight the pun.

As regards our next sign, the one responsible for it should try to review the proper use of prepositions.

What’s that again? The food you bought outside cannot be brought in into the restaurant? Why not just have a sign that reads: “Food and drinks bought outside the restaurant not allowed.”

Our next sign delivers a clear message, even if it ends up using a non-existent word.

Is there such a thing as left-by? Is it related to right-of? Or maybe its parents are top-in and bottom-out? This word reminds me of another word in Filipino English: BOTTOMLESS!

At this point, allow me to put to a close our installment of “funny signs.” Sorry, we’re closed.

Yes, I mean it. We’re already closed.

If you’re Al Gore, I know you but you definitely don’t know me. In other words, we’re not close!

Goodbye and come back for more funny signs next week.