N.B. – This was published in Asian Correspondent (June 9, 4:25 p.m.) where I write a column (Philippine Fantasy).

The Civil Service Commission (CSC) issued a memorandum five years ago regarding the use of non-sexist language. In this installment of “funny signs,” I promise to comply even if the focus is on sex and lies. In other words, this is about the outgoing Philippine President herself!

By the way, why does the CSC need to distinguish between communications and documents, as well as communications and issuances? Aren’t they all part of official communications? Just asking.

Anyway, let’s proceed to our first “lie” which is a gift that comes with a “price” — the people’s complacency with redundancy.

Did you get what I mean? Let’s take a closer look.

A gift is inherently free, so “free gift” is a redundancy that must not be advertised. You may say that the lie becomes evident when you’re compelled to do something before you could claim your gift. In this case, you have to subscribe to a monthly publication!

Our next sign is not necessarily a lie but a “grammatical warning.” Please cover only what you can see.

Quick question: Can you see a cough? Cover your mouth if you’re embarrassed.

Do you know who should be embarrassed more? It’s Smartmatic-TIM which won the contract for the automated polls in the Philippines. Even if it got billions of Philippine pesos from the government, Smartmatic failed to hire someone to edit its election results website.

But this post is not about the elections but about President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. What comes to mind when you come across this popular juice drink? Do you remember the President who is both dimunitive and putative?

I know. She may be minute, but she’s hardly a maid even if some anti-government groups have called her “Gloria Labandera (loose translation: Gloria laundry woman)” during street protests.

She won overwhelmingly in her bid to become a member of the House of Representatives, an obvious attempt to retain power and influence when she leaves the presidency. Notice something funny about the name of a particular place in Pampanga’s second district, Macapagal-Arroyo’s hometown?

The municipality of Sasmuan initially had a slightly lewd name “Sexmoan,” no thanks to the American colonizers who apparently found it hard to pronounce “sas-moo-wan.”

What makes me wonder is why “Sexmoan” is sometimes used as a reference in identifying the municipality that already has its own name. It isn’t the Filipinos’ fault if the Americans before bastardized the name “Sasmuan.”

Talking about sex and Macapagal-Arroyo, a reporter once asked the outgoing President if she still had time for sex given her busy schedule. Her answer? “Plenty!”

This unforgettable anecdote comes to mind whenever I see this sign inside a popular mall.

Why would you want to get “hot” on the spot? Anyway, another popular, child-friendly fastfood chain cannot be faulted for this funny sign as this was “creatively angled” to give a message that is definitely not wholesome.

I thank Noelle De Guzman for the last photograph, reprinted with her permission in this post. All other photographs are mine, as in the past. More funny signs to follow next week. Thank you for reading!